I Brought My Social Anxiety To College

My freshman year of college, I had social anxiety. I had no idea what it was at the time. I attended my classes but was hyper-aware of my fellow students and my professors. I was fearful that I was being judged negatively. It was challenging to focus on the subject matter.

It seems like my mind was always racing. I was overly vigilant about what was happening around me. Unknowingly, I was disassociating from my situation. College was about survival. I dreaded going to class and studying was next to impossible.

When I got myself to class, I was preoccupied. I was hyper-focused on my fellow students and my fear of being exposed as an “imposter” in front of the group. I was scared to raise my hand in class even if I had a good point. I was terrified of being the subject of ridicule.

I recall being in an economics class. I walked into the lecture hall, feeling like all eyes were upon me, judging. I felt scrutinized. Rationally, I know that the other students were not focused on me at all. I was projecting my own social anxiety “head trash” onto them.

This type of thinking on a daily basis is exhausting. I hardly had a respite from it. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I had some friends but walked around campus in my own prison of self-consciousness. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

I wanted to do well in school. I’m an eager learner by nature. My intentions were noble. Focusing on retaining knowledge was difficult and not knowing why, made it even more frustrating. I would sit down to study but was not retaining much information.

The social anxiety ran deep. I spent a lot of time in my dorm room, hiding from people. Social gatherings were no more comfortable than going to class. In casual conversations, I would silently repeat thoughts to myself such as, “They don’t really want to be talk to me” or “They are laughing at me.”

This was what I call the “dumbing down” effect of social anxiety. While trying to engage in conversations, I disassociated. My thoughts were only partially on what the other person was saying. It made me seem spaced-out.

“He’s smart but he doesn’t study”, was what I heard said about me. I wanted to study. I lacked the self-awareness that it would have taken to figure out what was going wrong. I didn’t have the wherewithal to think about it objectively.

Awkwardness in social situations caused me to avoid them. I was in college for the higher learning part, of course, but socialization is integral to the experience. I pledged a fraternity. My “brothers” wanted me to be there. I imagined that they were laughing at me. I never returned to the fraternity house.

I wanted to have a dating life. Women showed interest in me. I missed out on knowing them. However, when I was with someone in a crowded bar, I was distracted by the other patrons. It felt like all eyes were upon me. I was in a “fishbowl”. It was mentally and physically draining.

This high level of social anxiety in most situations, led to avoidance of campus life. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was repressed and depressed. I had no idea that it was a condition that may be treatable. This pattern of thinking, my fear of people, was all I knew.

I was fortunate to be at a fine university, with peers that I liked. At the time, I was incapable of having gratitude for the experience. My social anxiety continued well beyond my freshman year. It didn’t magically go away. As a result, my grades were suffering.

Acceptance of the way it happened has been an uphill battle. It seems like my healthiest move is to take responsibility for my missteps during college. Mental health issues are hard to accept as part of who I am. My actions were my own and I was an adult.

It seems like I didn’t have the luxury of choice. I wanted to survive in a world that was a fearful place. I didn’t know how to break through to the other side of my mental anguish. I didn’t know what I had, so how could I change it?

My issues with social anxiety did not go away during my college years. I eventually got a diploma, but it didn’t turn out as planned. It wasn’t the way I wanted it to happen. Life doesn’t give “do-overs” on this front. I have to accept it instead of hoping for some kind of redemption.

Since college ended, remnants of it still affect my life. I once told a friend about my social anxiety at college. I thought “the truth would set me free”, but it did not. Although I have quieted of most of my social anxiety “head trash”.

Social anxiety is being talked about more openly now. This is a big step in the direction of healing and wellness. When mental health issues are brought out into the light, they start to lose their power.